Tag Archives: meditation

Commitment to the Path of Peace

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I began this blog as a tool, a practice, a commitment to continue my yogic path through the rough obstacles to peace life put in front of me. Obstacles I put in front of myself. A practice in accepting choices I have made that led to tough challenges – challenges that have been sometimes unbearable and mostly insurmountable. Lessons about my expectations around justice, fairness, and reasonableness continue to be hard to swallow.

All the struggling sunk me deeper into the pit. The one thing that could help alleviate some of the pain was the thing I found I had lost a hold of. I felt betrayed. Betrayed by my own faith. As the onslaught has seemed never-ending, year after year, my stamina has wavered. The emotional reserves needed even just to hope, depleted.

And so, I began letting go, disconnecting to cope. But in the process, I’ve disconnected from myself as well. Disconnected from my Self.

The key to my falling from my path I believe is twofold and discussed in Sutras 1.12 to 1.15.

1.12 – Abhyasa Vairagyabhyam Tannirodhah – These mental modifications are restrained by practice and non-attachment.

I lost hope, energy, and stamina, which led to losing abhyasa – consistent, sincere practice, without break, committed to choosing the path to peace.

I lost vairagya – the ability to let go of attachments, to not be influenced, to see through distractions to the truth.

I know the tools to start climbing back up the mountain. Small daily actions: five minutes of meditation, five minutes of pranayama, active awareness of my thoughts and choosing to not engaging with negative, unproductive thoughts.

Just that – a small daily commitment – would make a big difference.

I know what works from past experience and yet I can’t get my brain/body to let go of the world enough to practice. The world – betrayal, abandonment in my greatest time of need, family court, housing court, multiple moves, health issues, surgery, single parenthood, financial strain – unrelenting stress and struggle. No balance. No relief.

I was able to find peace before because I had space, time, and energy. I never experienced these kinds of struggles before, let alone so many simultaneously. I had fewer obstacles – really, only my own mind (already a daunting obstacle). Then I tangled with a harmful person and it takes years to heal from that, years to legally untangle, years to find stability again, physically and emotionally. I had every aspect of my life attacked or destroyed and it would be much more spiritual of me to accept total responsibility for everything that happened, is happening, as from my own choices and how I am reacting to everything, and how I attach, and how I hold onto the ridiculous concept of justice.

But then what about all those “wicked” people in the world who we are supposed to use the key of “disregard” to unlock, to avoid? (4 locks and 4 keys) There are people who hurt others for their own selfish reasons. Is the hurt person responsible because they didn’t foresee what kind of person they were dealing with?

Is taking on all the responsibility the way for me to heal? That’s the concept of tapas – accepting suffering with joy. The more suffering, the more burning up of karma, burning away the impurities, becoming clean. There comes in the faith – believing in karma – believing all this will make a difference in the next life or is punishment for my wickedness in a past life and therefor a noble taking of my due.

It doesn’t feel great to take responsibility for received abuse as if I deserved it or it is in someway helpful to my life and so I should be grateful for it.

And now I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole of yogic philosophy where overthinking is taking me away from the simple actions I can take to stop thinking – the goal to stop the machinations/modifications of the mind stuff – the goal of yoga. Yoga brings peace. I know I can find some peace by not attaching to the outcomes of every struggle, by not judging every action, by letting go. I can stop thinking for five minutes a day while I meditate. I can re-pattern my efforts to activities that bring peace and away from those that do not.

The commitment has always been there, I’ve been on this path for 15 years, but I buried it for a while in heartbreak, my heartbreak of experiencing life as a completely different thing than I had previously known filled with my own sadness and anger and frustration.

My goal now is to reinvigorate my commitment. Reenter my practice. Restore my teaching knowledge. Believe in what I offer. Believe in myself. Be true to my Self. Let go of the rest. Find my way back to seeing from a place of joy.

 

Not giving up

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Overheard coffee shop conversation: “You’re not transformed by this,” she pointed to her head, “you’re transformed by this,” she pointed to her heart.

I’ve been grasping at tools, trying to think my way out of my problems, trying to convince myself I can “solve” them. I was compartmentalizing, which was helpful. I was dealing with one thing at a time, which was helpful. I was not engaging mentally with the thing that would instantly seize up my heart and clench my teeth, which was helpful. But as soon as I vocalized all the hurdles lined up in front of me I felt like my head was going to explode.

So I imploded. I couldn’t pretend they didn’t exist.

I can’t control them. I can’t solve them. I can only get through them. Depression makes everything seem impossible. Then I had an unexpected conversation with a friend that reminded me that I’m not alone and that I know how to help myself, I just haven’t been doing it. I had given up. I had given up on myself, my Self, because I was powerless to do anything about the difficult situations in my current life. I had lost connection, forgotten my most powerful ally, stopped caring about surviving.

I woke up the next morning, took my son to school, went home and decided to take care of myself. I danced around on my yoga mat and then sat for meditation, not because it is about stilling the mind or focusing the mind or finding peace with my thoughts, but because it is about taking a moment to sit in the experience of God.

I remembered who I am. I know that everything that is happening affects me but it does not define me, it should not change me. I shouldn’t attach to the outcomes or obstacles or ramifications of each uncontrollable situation, as hard as that is to do.

Not giving up on myself, my heart, allowed me to give up on trying to control my situation. I could let go (or try to, I’m working on it) of the stress and fear and anxiety.

I taught a yoga class yesterday after a few months’ hiatus from teaching, and it was so beautiful to have the opportunity to give again, to feel a shift into steadiness, to connect with sweet beings.

Yoga is about service. Teaching is sharing a practice. I wasn’t paid. I used to teach as my karma yoga for years. I decided at some point that I couldn’t afford to give away my time when I needed every minute to try to keep a roof over my head. But the potential income I may have lost in that time was worthless compared to the big deposit I made to my well being.

Resolute Excuses Dismantled

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© gdbrekke - Fotolia.com

© gdbrekke – Fotolia.com

Why do we hinder our own progress? Why don’t we do what we know will help us? Why don’t I meditate every day? Sure, I’m overworked, exhausted, frustrated daily, and generally overwhelmed – those are my excuses for not only no time but more importantly no energy. While they are real, they are still excuses. I could find 10 minutes a day to breathe and meditate. What blocks my path to a minutely healthier me? Maybe the minute part and maybe the thought that this frenetic energy is what sustains me – otherwise I may fall apart.

Let’s take the first – small gain – in a life where nearly every minute is taken (even using the bathroom requires the accompaniment and entertainment of my 3 year old), every moment is weighted with a heavy importance. I need to get something major done in any spare moment I have. I need a big return on my small time investment.

This is my thought process and it is completely wrong. This is how I end up overwhelmed. Ten minutes a day may be small progress and the transformative effects of meditation may disappear with the first tantrum, but it is progress. It does have an effect and it is cumulative. The ability to sink quickly and effortlessly back into that peaceful state becomes easier and easier the longer we practice.

The second – sustaining frenetic energy – this energy stops me from thinking about my life as it is, a life that has been challenging especially in this past year. Climbing so many mountains last year on every front of my life would have been far scarier if I stopped to look down at the precarious precipice I could fall from at any moment. Keep going, keep moving, don’t stop, don’t think, grasp, strive, clench.

I’m wrong here as well, I am left overworked and exhausted. Sure a lot happened, a lot got done, but the toll has been great and lasting and not fulfilling. I have created taller mountains to scale to find contentment again, to find balance again, to find peace. How easy it is to find all of that in a moment of meditation. That practice I know will rebuild those parts of myself and open myself back up to the land of the living where I can connect and be acutely present in those connections with the world and the real me who seems to abscond at every steep climb.

So what’s stopping me? Only myself.

My resolution this year is to take those 10 minutes a day that I know I can find, however tired or distracted I am, and give those minutes back to myself – my True Self. With that gift, I hope to lessen the frustration, be ok with exhaustion, balance my work through the perception of that work, and discard feeling overwhelmed, replacing it with a space, lightness, and greater detachment from the perpetual trials of life.

Then I can breathe

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giant-redwood-trees-in-california

“Meditation is the art of using one kind of energy to transform another. The instant the mother holds her child, the child feels the energy of love and comfort and begins to feel relief. Even if the cause of discomfort is still present, being held in mindfulness is enough to provide some relief.” Thich Nhat Hanh*

This is what yoga gives me. Whatever is troubling me, however difficult life seems – I can take some breaths, still my mind even just for a moment, and feel a small sense of relief. This allows me to open again to the world and the hurdles that must be jumped.

When I feel lost, I realize I haven’t prioritized time for this practice that at times is my life line. It’s too easy to be too busy.

Stress takes mindfulness and throws it out the window.

Out the window is where I stare longing to be in nature. I long to stand among ancient redwoods and hear nothing but the sound of growth. Smell nothing but the earth. Feel nothing but peace.

The slowness of the forest calms my frenetic mind, my sense of time passing too quickly, and the idea that my little life is somehow significant when in the grand scheme of things I am just a tiny sapling amongst a forest of giants.

My relief is being held in the embrace of nature. Then I can breathe.

*Thich Nhat Hanh, Teachings on Love, p43.

Photo: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=71804&picture=giant-redwood-trees-in-california