Tag Archives: gratitude

Peace in the lotus

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One of the well-known symbols of yoga is the lotus flower. The lotus plant grows from the mud. It rises through the water to the surface to find sunlight. It struggles and pushes and survives until it blossoms in all its layers, intricacies, and beauty. The lotus flower emerges clean and pure from the murky water.

It symbolizes liberation from attachments – unchanged by the struggle, unaffected by the dirt – it remains itself, its true essence untouched by the elements around it. It floats above it all.

Born in mud, searching for the light, rising above, and remaining pure.

Why are symbols important? Why is every culture, religion, spiritual path filled with symbols? What do they mean to me?

Symbols make us feel an idea rather than just think about it. A symbolic object itself can be imbued with energies that affect us in ways we may not even be aware of. It adds another layer of understanding and experience on our path. It’s a reminder of a teaching we aspire to follow.

Symbols can be self created and suffused with personal meaning. A rock collected on a beach, a candle burning, a piece of jewelry, a power suit, an image of a saint or guru, watching the sunrise. A small object you hold to slow your breath and remove a small part of yourself from attaching to a current difficult situation.

In any case, symbols are a powerful tool on our journey.

They give us hope. They are a timeless reminder of a goal, a belief, an aspiration. They inspire us to choose a direction. They bolster us in times of hardship and provide a kind of solace. Symbols are a reminder of who we are despite anything that comes along to distract us or confuse us or blind us. We are unchanging.

Everyday we are bombarded with reminders of some kind but we often forget to include the reminders that nourish our selves and keep us in a place of peace.

A symbol is that reminder:

To be true to yourself

To follow your path

To detach

To laugh

To breath

To take a moment in silence

To soften, to smile

To focus on one positive thing

To be grateful

To know you will survive it all.

Land ho!

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Sometimes things need to completely fall apart to have space to rebuild anew. Adrift with no land in sight allowed for possibilities I couldn’t have predicted or imagined to appear. It also allowed for the space needed to let go of all expectations and desires and to be in a place of acceptance for what appeared.

Acceptance finally came when I could actually see the positive side to all the adversity over the past few years (see more about that here). Tapas, my nemesis, has been my unwanted roommate. Tapas is suffering, burning, austerities, self-discipline. In yoga we are meant to want this, to accept this, and feel blessed at the opportunities to rid ourselves of karma and attachments. It helps us attain freedom from our minds and our senses.

I’d rather not focus on the acceptance of suffering as something positive but rather look at the experiences themselves from a positive light.

Sure, it has been ridiculously hard to raise my son nearly single handedly – but I can take pride in how he has turned out and know that I am a positive influence on him, a good example, and I focus my parenting on him being a good person, being compassionate toward and thoughtful of others’ needs, kind, and polite. I sacrificed so he can feel secure, confident, and have a strong sense of self-worth. That was all worth the price I paid.

Losing my apartment was a blessing to finally cut the last constant reminder of my previous life away from my new life. I tried ridding my home of the weight of bad memories but the only solution was to get rid of the space.

Quitting my job for the wrong reasons became my opportunity to publish my book and get out of the professional rut I had fallen in years before. And it gave me the opportunity to build skills in new areas that have led to a new job opportunity. Losing all my money supporting myself and my son, well that decision allowed me to be with my son and I suppose it has lessened my attachments to having material things by default of not having much to hold onto anymore. So I feel more free. (Still working on that one.)

I have a new home that I love and is everything I could have wished for, a new neighborhood that I am loving discovering, a new job I am excited to start, and my son started at the school I felt was a great fit for him and he has already bonded with his teacher.

Could I have foreseen any of this? As of a month ago, no. I looked out at a vast empty ocean wondering how we would make land.

Thank you to all of you who prayed for us. I think it worked.

Rewriting our own story

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It’s so easy to fall into a hollow canyon, surrounded by cliff walls, barely seeing sunlight in the depths and narrowness. A story exists. An experience happened. Our reactions are real, the scars smart if pressed. It’s easy to bind ourselves into one particular way of telling that story. I have a yearning for justice. I have always had a strong need for truth.

But, reality is that there rarely is justice, the past can’t be changed, and everyone has a different concept of truth. We create the world we want to see and so does everyone else. So what do we do? How do we live with hurt? How do we live with injustice?

Yogic philosophy would say all of that is just attachment to the unreal. Maya – illusion, ignorance, entangled, temporary. Justice is sorted out through karma. To remain in peace we must detach from our reactions to experiences and focus on the steady truth of the Self. Letting go of the expectation of another person being held responsible for, or even just owning their actions, is what can liberate us.

That letting go is extremely difficult, but must occur. There is no changing other people, only ourselves, only our own reactions and attachment to our reactions.

It’s hard to let go of the feeling that I am constantly the loser, the one controlled, the one who has to sacrifice while having to watch someone else be the winner, the controller, the one who does not have to sacrifice. It feels unjust, and finding the faith to believe so deeply in karma that I can let go of all my feelings is a challenge.

My mind understands what I need to do. I understand where my yoga practice needs to go. I know what will bring me peace. I know what reality is and isn’t. But getting my heart to release from the desire for truth and justice, responsibility, accountability, reckoning and freedom feels insurmountable. Yet, if I can’t do it, I will be buried. I cannot make any of that a reality in what isn’t really reality anyway.

So I need to rewrite my own story. Disconnect my story from anyone else’s, just live my own truth, live a just life accountable for my own actions, view myself alone, unaffected by the world around me.

I wouldn’t be the me I am right now without having gone through what I have gone through. I wouldn’t have encountered a greater understanding of people and how they react in sadness and rage. I wouldn’t have been given the gift of compassion through empathy. I wouldn’t have experienced a fuller aspect of life. I wouldn’t have been given the opportunity to scale a mountain, to sink so low I couldn’t see even one ray of the sun, to be stepped on and pushed down against my will, to lift myself up, and to be responsible for my own decisions. I own my choices and the consequences of those choices. One day I will be able to let go of it all – let go of the story – and exist only in truth and peace.

I won’t try to pull myself out of the canyon, I will try to disintegrate the walls.

Think Happy | Be Happy

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THINK HAPPY

BE HAPPY

A t-shirt on a young girl shouted at me in bold, bright letters. I forgot that sometimes the answer is so simple.

“The…true you reflects in the mind which is your mirror… If the mind has a lot of waves like the surface of a lake, you will be seeing a distorted reflection.”

-Thinking negative thoughts distorts your natural peace.

“To see the true reflection, see that the water is clean and calm and without any ripples.” (Swami Satchidananda, Book 1 Sutra 3*)

-To feel our true self, our self at peace, we must remove disturbing thoughts.

Think Peace

Be Peace

How?

I have had many negative thoughts this year in particular and at times have felt I hit bottom. I keep waiting to not feel crushed, but have realized that I myself am keeping myself down by allowing – feeding on – negative thoughts. Now I try to be vigilantly conscious of their appearance and with great struggle stop a thought and replace it with something else.

I remind myself that negativity only hurts me. The world doesn’t change – only my experience of it can change.

I remind myself to nurture gratitude and list a few things I am grateful for in my head.

I remind myself to replace a negative with a positive (or at least a neutral).

I remind myself to breathe.

Frustrated the other day because my 3-year-old refused to listen to me (as is perfectly normal for his age and an everyday occurrence) – I laid on my bed and covered my face with a pillow. He clambered in after me asking what was wrong. “Mommy, take a deep breath.” After I complied, I told him I felt better.

I guess he does listen…

* Quotes from Satchidanada, Swami, The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali/translation and commentary by Swami Satchidananda, Integral Yoga Publications, Yogaville, 1990.

Gratitude is sweet!

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I am grateful I live somewhere safe, somewhere that I find beautiful, somewhere surrounded by an incredible diversity in human experience. I am grateful my child is healthy and joyful.

I am grateful everyone in my family has always accepted me with open arms.

I am grateful for having met people who have become a part of my heart and become family.

“You’ve got a friend” was a favorite song growing up – I would cry as I sang the lyrics (a melodramatic teenager) at their deep truth and celebration of friendship. I want to be that kind of friend. In this world where so many of us no longer live near family, friends become our family. Friends know us on a deep level, they stand by us through the changes we go through, they love us.

I have felt so much support these past few years from friends new and old. When I have asked for help, I have received it in abundance. Not so much in things (although I have received furniture, meals out, free babysitting, and overpayment for a copy of my book…) but mostly in time, in listening, in a hug, in a  texted inspirational quote, in a “I believe in you” or “I’m proud of you” speech. I have felt bolstered up when I was slipping down.

I would like to acknowledge with gratitude and appreciation a few individuals who in my time of need, stepped up generously and literally helped my book become a reality. You helped make my dream come true:

Ismana Carney

Jason and Thaisa Katz

Amy Beacham

Nazgol Khamneipur

Alex Ghashghai

Hope Flamm

Mosi Jack

Jena Davis Simon

Suzanne Cohen

Becky Hays Rovey

There are so many more – you know who you are – I have great love and appreciation for the much needed support. I only wish I can be as generous with all of you. I will strive to give more, do more, be present more, and love more.

Thank you for giving me the experience of feeling the sweetness of gratitude.